It Happened in the Multiverse 2: Ova and Ova Again
by SedatedKoala
Summary: Wade Wilson has the life he always wanted. He has the ultimate amazing husband of his dreams, an adopted Apocalypse, and is finally an Avenger. And after a couple years, he's getting used to this whole intersex thing. But when a big battle and bad tacos leads to an unexpected discovery, Wade and Peter have to face their most unexpected and frightening adversary: Parenthood.
1. Chapter 1

**Earth 70993**

Waking up with Peter's lips around his cock was definitely Wade's idea of a good morning. Of course, he was only doing that because of some kind of misguided idea of what can and cannot be done to a pregnant person. Still, Wade wasn't going to look a gift blow-job in the mouth. Or whatever that saying is.

Still, being pregnant might be the best thing ever if this was going to be the norm.

After morning sex and shower, Wade came downstairs to where Peter was standing at the counter waiting for his waffles to pop out of the toaster. Wade kissed his cheek and asked, "Are we still on for the opera tonight?"

"We have the box all to ourselves," Peter said with a smirk. "I'm so happy you're going with me. These corporate things are so dull, and it would be impossible to concentrate if you weren't with me."

"The hard life of Broadway critic," Wade said. He grabbed a couple waffles from the freezer and said, "I have that appointment with Dr. Foster at 2 o'clock, and I might need to stop by the tailor to have my pants taken out a little."

Peter grinned. "I thought you were starting to show a little.

"I'm not _showing_ ," Wade said, blushing a little. "I've just been eating like a horse for the last week. I'm getting fat."

"Pregnant is not fat," Peter said as he slipped his arms around Wade's waist. He kissed his husband's neck and asked, "Are you sure you don't want me to go to the appointment with you?"

"It's just a routine follow up, baby." Wade kissed Peter's nose. "When it comes time for ultrasounds and shit like that, your ass will be right beside me with a box of tissues."

"I'm not going to cry," Peter said, still grinning.

"The tissues are for me," Wade laughed. "I'm going to be a fucking mess, and we both know it."

Peter kissed him. It was a sweet kiss that tasted of caramel macchiato with a hint of mint toothpaste, and Wade melted into it. After five years of marriage, Wade never tired of Peter's affection. He craved it more than anything. Peter was always the best part of his day.

This is what was going through Wade's mind when he heard glass shatter.

Wade and Peter separated, both looking towards the sound. Neither had time to react as a swarm of black-clad well-armed men swept through the house. Peter put himself in front of Wade, neither of them making a move other than to hold up their hands. Wade, who's never had a gun in his face in his life, did not know what to do. He was filled with panic at the thought of anything happening to Peter or the baby.

"What the hell do you want!" Peter demanded, and received a slam in the forehead from the butt of a rifle.

Wade tried to catch him, tried to imagine what the hell he should do. But he could do nothing because a black hood was thrown over his head, and he was ushered out of the house and thrown into the back of a van.

"Where the fuck are you taking me?" he demanded.

There was no answer.

 **Earth 104**

Wanda and Penny sat side by side on the examination table, hands clasped together as they waited for the doctor to come back with the results.

"I'm so excited!" Penny all but shrieked, leaning against Wanda's shoulder.

Wanda kissed her forehead. "We don't know for sure just yet, baby girl."

Penny gripped Wanda's hand and said, "We're going to have a baby!"

"Yes," Wanda said. She was excited. She was. According to the three at-home tests, Wanda was in fact pregnant. This was an exciting pay off to the many fertility treatments and appointments. Still, she didn't want to get excited until she knew for certain that she was really pregnant.

There was a loud crash, and both women jumped to their feet. Screams and shouts, followed by the unmistakable sound of gunfire.

Wanda reached into her purse and pulled out a Desert Eagle and shoved Penny behind her. Penny immediately grabbed her arm and hissed, "No! The baby! You can't go out there."

Then the door opened, and Wanda shot the first black-clad well-armed gunman right between the eyes. Penny grabbed the fallen man's gun just as another two appeared. Wanda got one; Penny flung a web in the second's eyes before punching him hard enough to snap his neck. Wanda was about to rush out the door, but Penny stopped her, tossing a bulletproof vest at her.

"Protect yourself, you dolt!" Penny hissed.

Wanda quickly donned the armor, but froze seeing another enter the room. She raised the gun, but not fast enough. Penny reacted quick, webbing the barrel of the gun and jerking it with the hope of saving Wanda. The bullet hit Wanda's shoulder. Penny jumped on the shooter's back, wrapping webbing around his neck and flinging him over the exam table.

But there were more gunmen, and Wanda was hurt. Penny did her best, but there were just so many of them.

 **Earth 3978**

"I'm not the dude to be pregnant, man," Wade said as he grabbed a bottle of beer out of the fridge.

Peter immediately took the bottle out of his hand and said, "So what are we going to do about it? I mean, we have options, okay?"

"Well, I'm not going to quit working for Masters, and you're leaving to go to fucking Antarctica," Wade hissed. "Why the fuck couldn't _you_ be the one."

"Because you're the one who likes to be penetrated," Peter said. "You know we could have just stuck to blowjobs. That would have worked just fine, but you wanted to fuck."

"You could have used a condom!" Wade shouted.

"Yeah, well you _should have been_ on birth control." Peter kicked the cabinet. He shook his head, and said, "Look, man. This is not my problem. This is your problem. Do with it whatever you want, but I'm washing my hands of this bullshit."

"Oh, fuck you, man," Wade hissed. "You're just as much in this as I am. You can't just walk away, you little prick."

"Actually, yeah. I can walk away, Wade," Peter shouted. "And that's exactly what I'm—."

The sound of breaking glass ended his sentence, and a moment later, Peter was bleeding on the floor and Wade was unconscious in the back of a white van.

The van drove to a large warehouse on the edge of the city where the professor waited as they unloaded the unconscious man and placed him in the transport unit. This was the fourteenth such mission the team had attempted, and it was their twelfth success. By this point, they were quite proficient in acquiring their targets.

 **Earth 9091**

Wade sat on the ground in front of a newly carved gravestone, his legs crossed under him in the mud made by the pouring rain and freshly turned dirt. He'd been there since the service ended. It was getting cold and all he could think of was how cold Peter must be laying alone in the silk padding of a coffin that wasn't good enough for a final resting place. Every time he thought he could get up and walk away, the tears started again and he stayed put.

"It should have been me," he said for the thousandth time since the bullet struck Peter in the chest. If he'd only been a little faster. If he'd only saw the motherfucker a split-second sooner. If Peter hadn't put himself in the line of fire. If it wasn't for the goddamn kid…

A sob ripped from his throat as Wade ran his fingers across the name. _Peter Parker-Wilson. Loving husband and father._ He never got the chance to be a father, though. Hell, they only found out a few days ago. Maybe if the damn kid wasn't on the way, Peter would still be alive, Wade thought bitterly as his hands dug into the mud.

Thunder crackled in the sky above, and Wade didn't hear another _snap_. It would have been a familiar sound if he even cared about the world around him anymore. When a hand came down on his shoulder, Wade didn't startle; he cried harder.

"You can't stay here, Wade," Cable said as he knelt beside him, swinging his cloak over Wade's prone form.

"Go away, Nate," Wade sobbed.

"I can't do that." Nate coaxed him upright, then lifted him out of the mud and into a hug. It was a very stiff gesture from the soldier; he was not accustomed to offering or receiving comfort. Still, he gave it his best effort. "Come on, let's get you warm."

Wade had no memory of the trip or how they ended up in Nate's den of solitude. He just knew that he had a cup of cocoa in his hand and Hope was sitting beside him on the couch with her arm around his shoulders. Wade wanted to keep the tears back in front of Hope, but he just couldn't. Hope took the cup from his hand and sat it on the coffee table and wrapped both her arms around his neck. Nate didn't know what to do, so he put a hand on Wade's back.

"You're going to stay with us for a while," Nate said, his voice a little less gruff but still not allowing for any disagreement. "I'm going to go get the guestroom ready and find you some dry clothes."

Wade didn't respond, but Hope said, "I'll take care of him."

They shared a nod, and Nate walked to the guest room. There was only a twin sized bed and a small closet, and the bed hadn't been made since he and Hope moved in. He dug around in one of the plastic totes stacked in the closet and found a set of Rainbow Bright sheets. He knew Wade wouldn't mind the bright cartoon linens. He'd bought them for Hope, but she didn't understand why anyone would want something so visible. So often, Nate wished that she'd grown up in a better world where little girls can have bright things. Part of him hoped that somehow, Wade could raise his child in peace.

Nate was working on making neat hospital corners with the top sheet when a loud crash erupted from the front room and Hope screamed, "Daddy!"

He grabbed one of the numerous guns he had stashed in every room and ran towards the fight, his heart almost stopping dead when someone flung Hope against the wall. He barely registered that Wade was already unconscious because a dart was in Nate's neck and the world was getting blurry. He fought it, and sent a wave of telekinetic energy that sent two black-clad henchmen to the floor without a pulse, but there were more and they were ready.

 **Earth 616**

Wade was about sick of all the goddamn automatons. It seemed that every other day there was a new mad scientist producing a death machine, and the Avengers had to deal with it. Then there was that whole Ultron thing when Tony was the one responsible for the fucking automatons. Wade almost gave him a katana prostate exam for that one.

After a battle that lasted the better part of a week, Wade was so exhausted he could barely stand. He managed to (mostly) avoid injuries, though the ones he did receive were (mostly) due to leaping in the way of civilians who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It didn't help that for the last couple years, he's had some really good backup in the form of Wanda, but Wanda was currently back on Earth-722 to help with their own version of Ultron, because Tony Stark is always going to be Tony Stark.

Wade still had the best backup anyone could ask for in the form of one Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man, who more than once webbed someone to a wall to save his ass over the course of the onslaught. Currently, Peter was guarding the entry to the alleyway where Wade was currently puking into a dumpster.

"I think my food is starting to regenerate," Wade said thickly as he tried to catch his breath. His mask smelled like stomach acid and if it wasn't for all the other foul smells competing for Most Likely to Make Wade Puke Again, it might have been more bothersome.

"That taco truck has been abandoned for days, babe," Peter said as he rubbed circles on Wade's back. "I guess your healing factor won't save you from food poisoning."

"Better than lead poisoning," Wade managed to quip before heaving again. Dawn was slowly breaking, and Wade wanted nothing more than to find somewhere to lay down and guzzle a bottle of Pepto.

A crackling sound overhead alerted Peter to Thor's presence. A moment later, the thunder god dropped into the alley with a bright smile. "My friends! The battle is won." He paused a moment, taking in Wade's appearance. "Are you ill, sir Deadpool?"

"Morning sickness," Wade said with a half-hearted laugh.

Peter said, "He ate some bad street food."

"Tis a dangerous gamble," Thor said, his face stoic. "I have struggled often with your Midgard street food. Do you require assistance? We are to reconvene at the Tower."

Wade said, "Does this mean I get to ride the Asgard Express?"

"Carrying both of you may present a challenge, as my strength is greatly waned," Thor said. Then he tapped his communicator and said, "However, a SHIELD transport is near."

Within minutes, the three of them were safely inside of one of SHIELD's many conspicuously inconspicuous black SUVs, and Wade was nestled into Peter's side feeling like nine kinds of shit. Peter pulled him close and with a grimace, removed Wade's stomach-acid scented mask. They didn't say much, but Thor was still smiling at them.

In the last couple years, Wade and Peter became everyone's favorite couple—especially Thor. Every time he was in the room when Wade and Peter hugged or kissed, he would practically swoon. Once, Peter asked him why he was so giddy about their relationship, and Thor responded, "True love is a beautiful thing."

Peter really liked that response.

They arrived at Avengers Tower, and Wade leaned heavily on Peter as they made their way to the elevators, falling into step with Hawkeye and Bucky as they entered the main corridor leading to the meeting room.

"I can't wait to get home and get out of these clothes," Peter said.

Wade smiled, leaning heavily against Peter's shoulder. "My ass is so sweaty, I am uncomfortable putting it to words."

"Give us a chance to make use of all the shower heads," Peter mumbled.

Wade sighed and said, "I have the feeling I'm just going to collapse in the lawn and have you hose me off."

Peter chuckled.

Tony said, "That is a horrible mental image."

"Don't start," Bucky said as he took his place at the end of the table.

"Nobody's starting anything, Barnes," Tony said innocently.

"We're all too tired to start," Natasha said.

That was when Cap entered with Director Maria Hill. The meeting seemed to last forever, and more than once Wade fell asleep with his head on the table. The third time it happened, Peter just let him sleep. They were both exhausted, but Peter managed to get a little shut eye while trapped in a storm shelter. Wade, as far as he knew, had been awake for the entire week.

Once all the necessary paperwork had been filed, Peter helped Wade to his feet and Wade immediately swayed and put a hand on his stomach. Peter caught him so he wouldn't fall on his face, and ushered him quickly to the nearest trashcan where he again expelled bile.

"Oh, that's gross," Tony said as he turned to keep himself from joining Wade in vomiting.

"I think it's food poisoning," Peter said in explanation to the concerned looks of both Cap and Hawkeye.

"Food poisoning?" Banner said, almost laughing. "I didn't think Deadpool could get food poisoning."

"I trusted a bad taco," Wade said. "Same thing happened to me in Tijuana once."

"I feel like that story could go so many ways," Natasha said blandly. Then she left the room looking a little green.

"I would still like to examine you," Banner said. "The lab is still analyzing the automatons' weapons, but some were equipped with radiation beams. It could be messing with Wade's healing."

"Fucking great," Wade said as he stood again. "What do you need? Blood or urine?"

Banner got on Wade's other side and said, "Blood, preferably."

Wade fucking hated medical, that was no secret. He especially hated medical when it involved needles, though he was much more comfortable with Banner handling the syringe and Peter holding his hand. Yeah, he could rush into a hail of bullets without a second thought, but a non-lethal blood donation made his blood pressure spike.

Once Banner had what he needed, he told Wade and Peter to go get some rest. Wade practically ran out of medical holding Peter's hand. Though they seldom used it, Wade and Peter had a room at the tower. They used it like a hotel, more than anything, though some of the Avengers were full time Tower residents. Still, the bed was soft, the shower was decent, and clean clothes were provided.

The first thing they did upon getting to the room was to call Aunt May to let her know that they were okay. Having her fully in the know about their vigilante lifestyle was both a blessing and a curse. The blessing was not having to hide the truth any longer. The curse was that she was openly concerned for their safety and well-being.

"You're sure everyone is okay?" May said after they finished telling her the briefest version of their week. "And what's this about Wade being sick?"

"It's just some food poisoning," Wade said. "I'm already feeling better."

"You better not be lying to me," May said in that tone that made Wade smile.

"Wouldn't dare," he said. "I just need some rest."

"Well, you two get some sleep and I'll see you when you get home." She gave them both her love and they got off the phone.

The shower felt amazing, and Wade took it as a good opportunity to examine Peter's injuries. His back was covered in bruises from being slammed into the concrete by an automaton. There were a few lacerations on his chest. He had a split lip. When Wade washed his hair, he found a couple slashes on top of his scalp. Even though he knew that Peter would heal quickly, he still hated seeing him injured in any way.

"You should have had Banner check you over," Wade said as he gently worked the suds from Peter's hair.

Peter caught Wade's hand and kissed his palm. "I'll be healed up by the morning."

Wade hugged him from behind and said, "I wouldn't know what to do if something ever happened to you."

Peter's hands rested on Wade's forearms as he leaned into him. "Likewise."

After a moment, Peter turned around to wash Wade. Wade's injuries were less apparent other than red inflamed skin where there were once cuts and bullet holes. He was dirty, more than anything. Still, it gave Peter a reason to touch his beloved husband in every way possible. Normally, these activities led to more fun in the bedroom, but they were both too exhausted to even attempt anything sexual beyond a couple kisses and a half-hearted slap on the ass.

Wade collapsed onto the bed with a relieved sigh. He nuzzled his face into the pillow and smiled as Peter sidled up beside him. "Seriously, Peter, I'm going to ask where Tony got this bed because it is my favorite thing ever."

"Mmmm," was Peter's response. Though it was currently the middle of the morning, the room was dark thanks to the thick curtains. "Love you, Wade."

Wade reached back and patted Peter on the thigh and said, "Love you, baby boy."

Peter was just about asleep when his communicator chirped. He whined and fumbled for the device as Wade's communicator joined in the chirping. Peter finally hit the button and said in a voice that oozed exhaustion and annoyance, "You got Spider-Man. The hell do you want?"

Banner's voice came through a moment later. He sounded…anxious as he said, "I have Wade's test results back, and I think the two of you need to hear what I found."

"Am I dying?" Wade asked, annoyed.

"Well, no, but—"

"Then it can wait until after a nap," Wade said.

Banner paused a moment, then said, "I really think this is something you will want to know immediately. You may not be dying, but it is something that may be classified as life-changing."

Peter sat up with a groan and said, "Just tell us, Bruce."

"I'm not saying this over the comm," Banner said. It was clear he was walking. "I'll be at your door in a couple minutes."

With an incredible amount of grumpiness, Wade and Peter put on lounge pants and matching robes and Banner arrived at the door just as Peter grabbed the handle. Banner looked frazzled, but Peter didn't really care.

"This better be important," Wade grumbled as he sat on the couch.

"I guess you'll be the ultimate judge of that," Banner said as he sat in the chair opposite and Peter settled into the couch beside Wade.

Peter said, "Okay. We're awake and you're here. What?"

Banner took off his glasses and fidgeted with them a moment before saying, "I am not sure what you two have been doing or what you have planned or not planned, but when we ran a full analysis on your blood, there was an increased level of HGC and progesterone, which would be highly unusual in a typical male, but in Wade's case, with his atypical anatomical features—"

"Any chance you're getting to the point?" Wade snapped.

"You're pregnant," Banner said.

For a moment, both Peter and Wade were silent, their exhausted brains having a hard time keeping up with the words that came out of Banner's mouth. Then Peter's mouth gaped open and Wade said, "Could you repeat that last thing?"


	2. Chapter 2

A month. Maybe six weeks, Wade had been pregnant, and in a split second he remembered every reckless thing he did during that span of time. Every bullet hole, stab wound, and blunt-force trauma his body had experienced. He healed from them all, he knew, but the idea that there was another...something that was right there with him made him feel ill. Innocents were never to be injured. Never.

And sweet Jesus, how many times had he been sick in the last week or so? Food poisoning seemed so logical because he and Peter had been very careful since their first scare. Wade was practically pounding his head against the wall trying to remember when and how this could have happened. Of course he knew _how_ pregnancy happened, but they always used condoms. Always.

"Fucking Trojans," Wade said, his face covered by both hands and elbows propped on his knees. "Why would anyone name a condom company after the most famous case of defense infiltration?"

Peter hadn't said much. He wasn't sure what to say. This was a shock, and Wade was saying enough.

"I mean…" Wade stood up, shaking his head. "I don't remember a condom breaking? And we haven't really touched the baby hole that much. I mean, _fuck_ , I thought we were smarter than this. I…I what if I hurt it? I was thrown off a fucking building two days ago. I was shot twice with that blaster thingy right here!" He gestured to his abdomen. Panic was starting to get into his voice as he said, "I can't be a…a…what the fuck _am I?_ Father? Mother? Fother?"

Peter was on his feet then and quickly had Wade wrapped in his arms as the panic turned into frantic gasps and shaking . Wade struggled a long time with the changes that happened to his body, and it didn't help that he went through a major trauma shortly after. There was a lot of work that went into Wade feeling comfortable in his skin again, but Peter knew that any sudden or unexpected changes could probably lead to some difficult feelings. That's why they had been so careful when having sex.

Still, for the first time in a long time, Peter had no idea what to say to his merc. Normally he was quick to have the right words to take Wade out of his panic and back to the present, but he was currently struck silent by this revelation. The first thing that came to mind was, "We'll figure it out, okay?"

Wade was still breathing too fast. His hands balled into fists, twisting the sides of Peter's robe. "I…I'm scared, Peter. I don't think I can handle this."

Peter wanted to say _"We have options,"_ but he didn't know if that would be better or not. Fuck, he didn't even know if abortion _was_ an option with Wade's healing factor. Would it extend to a zygote? It certainly applied to the cancer cells. Eventually, he said, "We're both exhausted and not thinking clearly. Let's just lay down and we'll know what to do when we wake up."

Wade nodded shakily, and he trailed behind Peter back to the most comfortable bed in the universe. More than anything, he wanted to talk to Wanda. She would know what to do. This was her life from Day One. She'd talked about _wanting_ to have kids. The idea of having children was always a vague concept to Wade Wilson, and never in any of the wildest scenarios he ever imagined was he the one to be pregnant, at least not until recently. The times it seeped into his mind always resulted in a mix of curiosity or a near panic attack.

Still, stress naps are a thing that Wade Wilson has always excelled at. There may be times when he can't sleep at all because his mind doesn't want to stop talking to itself, but put him under enough stress, and he will sleep like a baby.

Peter, on the other hand, had no such superpower. As he lay beside a softly snoring Wade, his mind would not stop chanting, _Wade's pregnant. Wade's pregnant. Wade's pregnant._ He didn't know what to do with that revelation. Deep down, he always wanted to have children someday. Having Evan Sabanur living with them had been a great experience, and Peter figured that one day when both he and Wade were finished with the superhero life, they would adopt. As an orphan himself, Peter knew how important it was to have a welcoming home. He was lucky to have Aunt May, but other kids were not so lucky. Adoption seemed to be the route they would go.

Even when it was revealed that Wade had a fully functioning set of ovaries and uterus, Peter decided that he would never ever suggest that they put it to the purpose of reproduction. It was not his place. The scare that they had was something they took seriously. Back then, Wade said it was something he may be open to. But it was always with the proviso of _when he was ready._ Clearly, Wade was not ready, and this was the last thing that Peter wanted to give him as a surprise.

 _Fuck, this is my fault._ A pain settled into his chest at the thought. Even if he knew that they did everything right, even if he knew the statistics that _sometimes_ condoms break or are faulty, even if he knew that Wade would never blame him. Peter had a guilt complex that he'd cultivated for over a decade, and he wasn't about to give it up when he'd hurt the one person he loved more than anyone else. He wanted so badly to wake Wade up and apologize and beg for forgiveness. But Wade was sleeping peacefully, so Peter only whispered with tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry, Wade."

He wasn't sure when it was that he finally went to sleep, but when Peter woke again he was alone in bed.

Panic seized him and he wrestled his way out from under the covers and stumble-ran into the main room only to find it empty. A deep fear surfaced in Peter's mind, the fear that one day Wade would leave. He was already starting to kick himself for not being faster with the comfort and finding the right words immediately instead of…instead of falling into self pity and angst and all the bullshit that he _never ever_ did with Wade. Of all the times that he needed to keep his head, he'd fucked up and Wade was gone.

"Stop overreacting," Peter told himself. Wade wasn't going to leave. He wouldn't. He would not do that, not after everything that they have gone through in the last few years. Wade wouldn't just go without a word. He put a hand over his own heart and focused on clearing his mind. Wade would have his cell phone on him. He always had it. Always tweeting to his minions. Peter rushed back to the bedroom and grabbed his phone only for fresh panic to hit at the sight of Wade's laying on the opposite stand. Peter's heart pounded harder.

Suddenly, all he could think about was that god-awful feeling he had when Wade had been taken by Stryfe. Yeah, Peter didn't know what he was missing, but he was still in agony at the loss. Now, the agony was all too clear and he knew that he would never be happy again unless Wade was beside him.

That was when the door opened and Wade walked in carrying several sacks of food from the tower's food court, and Peter couldn't help the relieved exhalation, the tears, or the way he clung to Wade. The food was set aside and Wade held him close and said, "Bad dreams?"

"The worst," Peter said. It wasn't really a lie if he could only describe life without Wade as a nightmare. He held on a moment longer before saying, "I guess you got hungry?"

"I was a little rumbly in the tumbly," Wade said, though his voice lacked the humor that such a phrase might imply. He took up the handles on the sacks with one hand and led Peter to the couch with the other. They settled around the small coffee table and Wade set out containers of falafel, baba ghanouj, stuffed grape leaves, tabouli salad, tahini sauce, a lot of pita and Kalamata olives, lamb kabab, followed by a small pepperoni pizza, garlic bread, pasta alfredo, a couple baked potatoes, chili, tamales, enchiladas, and a container of cinnamon rolls.

Peter looked at Wade and laughing said, "We have a buffet."

"I couldn't decide what I wanted, so I kind of got a bit of everything that sounded good," Wade said. "It's not like we don't know how to put away the food. I mean, I'm still healing, you're still healing, and…well, there is that other thing."

 _That other thing_. Peter didn't know what to say about the other thing. To be honest, he was waiting for Wade to open up and give him a clue. So Peter said, "Thanks, Wade. I am kind of starving."

Wade nodded awkwardly, then grabbed a stuffed grape leaf and swiped it through the baba ghanouj. Peter snagged a slice of pizza, and almost as soon as the food touched his tongue all other stresses disappeared in favor of satisfying the void in his gut. Wade seemed to do the same thing, and conversation was abandoned in favor of stuffing their faces. One thing that stood out to Peter was Wade guzzling water as opposed to his typical soda or energy drinks. He was particularly fond of Mexican Coca-Cola in the glass bottles; he bought it by the case.

Maybe it was the food or maybe it was sharing such a simple, everyday activity, but Peter felt clearer minded. But before he could start to pick at Wade's walls to get into his mind, Wade started talking on his own.

"I did a lot of thinking while you were sleeping," Wade said. He paused a moment to pick at something stuck in his teeth and wiped his hand on a napkin. He continued, "When this whole me having lady-bits thing happened, it really fucked me up. Like, it was a shock and I am not good with shocks. And this…" He almost winced as he said, "…this pregnant thing is a pretty weird damn thing for a guy to get used to, even if I've considered it before."

Peter nodded and held Wade's hand in both of his. He didn't interrupt. He processed and waited.

Wade took a deep breath and his eyes shimmered. Thickly, he said, "I've never had good role models for being a good parent, either. My dad was…" _abusive, a nightmare, absent,_ "terrible. And I never wanted to be like him. But with my life and everything, I don't feel like I'm all that different from the bastard."

Peter gave Wade's hand a soft squeeze.

"I know, baby boy," Wade said in answer to Peter's unspoken _you're nothing like him._ "I like being Evan's sort of father-figure. I like kids, generally. But having one of my own is very…" He sighed. "It's very scary even if we don't factor in the thing about me being the one who is pregnant. Fuck, I can't even wrap my mind around that. No amount of thinking about it prepared me for the actual fact."

He fell silent. Inside, all Wade could think was _how do I tell him what I want? I can always tell him what I want, even the really weird shit. Honest, be honest. Always, always. Lies don't make friends and make worse partners. He will understand, won't he? Please, Sweet Odin, let him understand._

The silence went on long enough for Peter to worry. He said, "Whatever you want to do, I'm going to support you. This is your body, and whatever decision you make, I will be right beside you through it all."

"Good," Wade said. He nodded and said, "Because I'm sure as hell not going to ruin this kid's life on my own."

Peter cocked his head. He wasn't sure if he understood. "Do you mean…?"

"I've done stranger things than be an expectant mother," Wade said with a hesitant smile.

"Y-you actually…" Peter let a smile slip onto his face. "You want to keep it?"

Wade nodded and shrugged. "I mean, we still need to be cautious and not get all snuggly with the idea because shit happens, so I really don't want to tell Aunt May or Evan right away."

Peter could feel a weight lifting. It's not that he had a preference one way or the other. If Wade said he wanted to terminate, he would have supported him, too. But just seeing that Wade was smiling and even _remotely comfortable_ with what was happening was a beautiful thing. Suddenly, he couldn't stop himself from flinging his arms around Wade and kissing him with every ounce of love he possessed.

"I love you, Wade," Peter said against his lips as he stroked the ex-merc's cheeks with his thumbs.

"We really need to figure out what to call me, though," Wade said. "I'm not mama. That's not happening at all, but 'father' feels odd, too."

Peter had a thought. "What about Zama? Or Zada? Kind of along the lines of the gender neutral pronouns?"

"I kind of like Zama," Wade said with a shrug. "I guess it doesn't matter. It's kind of what the bun wants to call me."

"The bun?" Peter said with a chuckle. "Are we going to stick with that?"

"It sounds better than saying 'it' all the time," Wade said. "I wouldn't want to be called 'it.'" Then his brow scrunched. "Do you think this means I'm going to have boobs? Isn't that what happens when you're pregnant?"

"I have no idea," Peter said, his mind involuntarily imagining Wade with boobs. The images was strikingly like Wanda.

"I wonder what breast milk tastes like…" Wade wondered aloud.

Peter grimaced. "I have the feeling you'll figure it out."

Wade shrugged, "I've tasted all my other fluids enough times."

"Valid point." Peter said. He was about to kiss Wade again and maybe suggest they go back to the bedroom when the tower's artificial intelligence announced a security breach.

Wade hopped up from the couch, and Peter put a hand on his forearm. "Stay here. I'll get this one."

The look Wade gave him was somewhere between amused and slightly pissed. He said, "I'm not made of glass."

"And you don't know how to not step in front of bullets," Peter returned with a smirk. Then he kissed Wade's frown and said, "I'll be right back."

Wade watched Peter rush out the door, somehow managing to grab a mask en route. All of a sudden, being a pregnant superhero felt like the shittiest thing that ever happened to him. He crossed his arms like a disgruntled toddler and stared at the door, listening to the AI yammer about the location of gunmen. In the distance, he could hear gunfire and he sighed as he flopped down on the couch.

He looked down at his stomach and slowly pulled up his t-shirt. It looked exactly the same. Same scars, same red blotches. Same muscles in the same places. He took a deep breath and pooched out his stomach as far as he could and poked at it as he released air in a series of puffs. His belly slowly deflated and he said, "I really hope you've got Peter's looks and brains, and my…" He sighed. "Fuck, I hope you just get everything from Peter. I'll definitely teach you how to beat up people. That's all I have to—"

A sudden crash brought Wade to his feet as three black-clad, well-armed henchmen swung through the window. The first to land brought up a weapon that Wade recognized as a type of dart gun. He had no weapon nearby, but he did have baklava. He flung the delicious dessert with precision, nailing the gunman in the eye making him scream and stumble backwards. Wade hopped the couch and snapped up the dart gun and shot the second in the neck, and managed to roll out of the way of a swing from the third's fist. Wade mule kicked the first henchman, who recovered somewhat from the baklava and did a roundhouse kick that would make Chuck Norris proud that sent henchman #3 back out the window he swung through.

Wade shook his head as he walked over to henchman #2, who's head was lolling around on his shoulders, clearly under the influence of whatever was in the dart. Wade ripped the mask off, ready to beat the bastard into a bloody pulp. But he paused seeing a familiar face.

"Bob?" Wade said.

The henchman's eyes were glazed over and there were a few extra scars, but it was Bob. But it wasn't _his_ Bob, though. So Wade didn't feel too bad about punching the guy onto the organ donor list.

 **Two Hours Later**

As it turns out, there were a lot of Bobs involved in the raid. It was a kind of astounding number of them. All totaled, there were twenty five Bobs who were trained, organized, and on a mission to capture Wade Wilson.

"Just when you think you have the perfect spineless minion, he goes and grows a spine in another universe," Wade said from the observation area of a SHIELD interrogation room. Peter was beside him with his left arm bandaged and resting in a sling. It was a closer call than Wade wanted to think about because just a few inches to the right, and Peter would not be standing. All Wade could think was, _it should be me getting shot, not him._

So far, the Bob seated in the interrogation room managed to avoid answering any questions. In fact, he seemed to be _trained_ to not answer questions, which was just so un-Bob-like. Bob was the type that pissed his pants at the potential of an idle threat. This Bob… He seemed to be able to handle the aggression.

Bucky was on Wade's other side, drinking a cup of iced coffee. It was something the Winter Soldier was slightly obsessed with. Apparently coffee was really basic back during WWII and being a stow-and-go assassin didn't lend itself to enjoying a caramel frappe. He leaned towards Wade and said in a low tone, "We need to find a weak spot on these bastards."

"I know how to find weak spots," Wade said. "It would take me five seconds to get that motherfucker talking, but this SHIELD goon is playing nicey nice."

Peter could feel he was going to regret the words that came out of his mouth, but he still said, "Maybe you should go in there."

Bucky shrugged his metal arm.

Wade looked to Peter, and without a word, he strolled into the interrogation room and produced a pair of pliers from no-one-wants-to-know where, and without warning or even a chance to prepare, he ripped Henchman Bob's right thumbnail off in one quick swipe. Henchman Bob screamed in a way that only those who have experienced severe pain can manage and before he could even catch his breath, the thumbnail from his other hand joined the first in a sort of pulpy bloody stack on the table.

The SHIELD interrogator managed to shout, "This is inappropriate, Mr. Wilson!"

"Shut up," Wade said in a voice that was both calm and menacing. It was very much a voice that only made an appearance when he was truly pissed off. The SHIELD interrogator held up his hands and backed out of the room because clearly he knew better. Wade then turned to Henchman Bob and said, "You have eight fingernails and ten toenails. After that you have knuckles that can and will be removed one segment at a time. And if you know any version of me, you know that it is very much in my personality to remove all of them before even bothering to ask a question. So either talk, or I start removing body parts."

Henchman Bob's spine seemed to turn to jelly, and after he caught his breath from the initial pain of losing both thumbnails and a bit of dermis, he said, "It's called Operation Nanny. I was recruited by someone called The Professor. I don't know her name, I just know that I was supposed to come here with my team and get you."

Wade flicked the thumbnails onto the floor and grabbed Henchman Bob's wrist. Henchman Bob struggled to get his hand away from the bloody tip of the pliers, and screamed, "I swear that's all I know!"

"Do you know why they wanted me?" He had a firm grip on the tip of Henchman Bob's pinky.

"Because you're pregnant, just like all the others!" Henchman Bob almost squealed.

Inside the view room, Bucky looked at Peter. Peter said, "We just found out."

After a second, Bucky shrugged like he almost expected to hear that news.

Wade's grip on the fingernail tightened, pinching some skin with it as he asked through gritted teeth, "Why?"

Henchman Bob pissed his pants then. He shouted, "I don't know why! I swear!"

"I believe you," Wade said with a nod, then he ripped the pinky fingernail off with a quick jerk. With Henchman Bob still screaming, he grabbed the adjacent ring finger. "Who are 'the others' you mentioned?"

"You're just going to rip it off anyway," Henchman Bob said through the tears and snot.

Wade shrugged. "You are probably right, but I might not. You never know, you know?"

The terror in Henchman Bob's eyes was clear. He swallowed hard and said, "It's other Deadpools, the ones with your healing factor. The ones who are with some version of Spider-Man. The Professor wants all of you for whatever reason, and I don't know what that reason is. I swear. I was only paid to retrieve you."

Wade nodded and released Henchman Bob's hand. Henchman Bob let out a relieved breath. Wade stood and said, "I appreciate how forthcoming you have been, Henchman Bob, and I really do believe you don't know anything else that matters to this horrible error in judgement you have made. Honestly, I thought Hydra would be your ultimate low point. Still, I know that you are already about to shit in your pants, so there really is no point in continuing to harm you."

Peter and Bucky shared a look and simultaneously started for the door, but didn't get to it in time before Wade drove the handles of the pliers through the back of Henchman Bob's hand and into the table.


	3. Chapter 3

In the bathroom outside the interrogation room, Wade was meticulously scrubbing blood from under his fingernails and the creases of his knuckles with Peter beside him and Bucky standing sentry by the door. Peter kept giving him this look that Wade knew was something in the neighborhood of proud, but was tinged with a hint of the old worry that Wade would one day go back to his mercenary ways.

"I couldn't have stopped myself from killing him if I wanted to," Wade said softly as he shut off the water. He huffed a laugh and said, "It's funny, really. I killed a guy over something I didn't even know existed yesterday."

Peter put a hand on Wade's back. It was the first time Peter didn't give a damn that Wade had killed someone with his bare hands. Truth be told, he kind of wanted to drag Wade to the nearest private space and show him exactly how okay he was with the whole situation. Even if he half-ass tried to stop him from jamming those pliers through Henchman Bob's hand, the amount of _force_ that it took to put the blunt end of a set of pliers through the goon's hand practically gave Peter a hard-on. A very disturbing part of him wanted to fuck Wade with the blood still staining his hands. Where that thought came from, Peter didn't know. Currently, he was blaming the pain killers.

Either way, Peter put his good arm around Wade's waist and said, "You are a protector."

Wade smiled and gave him a confused look. "No great power, great responsibility speech?"

"No," Peter answered. "Not this time, but I can already see you sitting on our front porch cleaning your guns when the bun is old enough to date."

Wade looked at Peter's reflection and said, "I promise I will only murder people who try to harm our kid."

"Thank you, Wade," Peter said as he kissed his cheek and winced after accidentally putting pressure against the wound on his upper arm. It wasn't a full-on bullet hole. The bullet only grazed him, but it was a decent slash that required some stitches. Probably didn't help that the last week was nothing but automatons and acrobatics.

Wade gestured to Peter's shoulder and said, "What happened to the asshole who did that?"

"Bucky," Peter answered.

Bucky gave a quick smile and said, "He's in Henchman Bob hell."

Peter smiled, unsure how he came to the point in his life where he was kind of okay with this kind of behavior in his friends and significant others. Then again, when young and bright-eyed, he never imagined the horrible depths of depravity that he would encounter in his life as a superhero. It's not that he really condoned killing people, and he wasn't personally going to start, but he also didn't feel a shred of remorse for the ones who died that day. Then there was that whole semi-wood he was sporting thinking about it.

Truth be told, he was always a _little_ turned on by Wade's violent side. Maybe because the same man who would beat someone to death with his bare hands and use a very blunt weapon to stab someone would also tear down the world to protect an innocent. Half the time, even when he was a mercenary, Wade went broke giving his ill-gotten gains to those who had suffered due to the actions of others. It was confusing, but it was also strangely perfect.

There was a knock on the door, and a moment later Kate Bishop poked her head into the bathroom and said, "Just FYI, Maria Hill is looking for the two of you."

"Oh my stars, I could have been naked in here!" Wade gasped dramatically. All he was missing was pearls to clutch.

Kate rolled her eyes.

"Thank you, Kate," Peter said with a nod.

She leaned against the door jam and asked, "Is it true what I hear that you stabbed a dude with pliers?"

Peter was a little enthusiastic when he said, "With the blunt end!"

"That's rad," she said with an approving smile. "You gotta teach me that trick."

"Only if you show me how to do that somersault back-flip shoot-three-arrows thing you do," Wade responded.

"Anyway, Director Hill is in the main conference room." She paused, hesitating a moment before cautiously asking, "What about the rumor about you being…?"

"Knocked up?" Wade finished.

Kate nodded, looking a little embarrassed for asking.

Wade found that he was surprisingly okay with Kate's question. "Yeah, that's a thing."

"You happy about it?" she asked, looking a little worried.

"Mostly," he answered honestly. Peter put a hand on the small of his back, and Wade amended, "Yeah, I am."

Kate grinned. "That's awesome!" Then she laughed and said, "Your fans are going to shit themselves when it's not Spider-Man with the baby-bump."

Peter startled. "What!"

"Just look up 'Spideypool fan fiction,'" Kate said with air quotes. "You are almost always a bottom and always the one who gets pregnant, my dude."

"Wait," Peter said, holding up a hand as if he could block that thought out. He skipped straight to, "You've actually read stories like this?"

Kate nodded enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe how many crazy stories are out there about all of us. I mean, RPF is kind of a wild genre, and it only gets crazier when the real people are superheroes. Everyone seems to ship me with Hawkguy."

Wade laughed. "They clearly don't know how much you love America."

Peter was still stuck a couple minutes back. "Why do people always think I'm a bottom?"

"The patriarchy has some bullshit stereotypes, baby," Wade said as he put his arm around Peter's shoulders.

"What stereotypes?!" Peter asked.

"You're shorter, thinner, much more bendy," Kate said.

Peter looked at her. "You've put some thought into this, I guess?"

She smirked. "Like I said, I read the fan fiction."

Bucky, who had been snickering throughout most of this conversation, asked, "What do they say about me and Steve?"

"That you're in a threeway with Ironman," Kate said.

Bucky frowned at that.

The four of them left the bathroom then, and a lot of the humor disappeared once in the hallway. The Avengers just had a pretty significant attack, and Wade killed three people with his bare hands and tortured a guy in the interrogation room. According to Bucky, there were several others who died in the attempt, but Wade had this feeling that the major theme of this meeting was why Wade would no longer be an Avenger.

Really, he had other shit on his mind at that point. He was being targeted. There were others like him—just like him, apparently—who had been taken by a crack team of Bobs. Then there was this Professor person, who obviously needed to be dealt with. And of course, there was the fact that Wade was likely going to be put on the light duty list anyway, thanks to being in the family way.

So by the time they reached the conference room, Wade was prepared to hear anything.

He wasn't prepared to see Nathan Dayspring Askani'son Achoo Pricilla Summers sitting at the table. It took Wade all of a millisecond to realize that this was not the meeting he had prepared for in the bathroom.

Wade came to a stop at the end of the table and said, "If this is where you pop in to tell me that the future has been altered and I'm again the linchpin of doom, I will warn you right now that I am hormonal and will probably cry a lot."

"Please have a seat, Wade," Director Hill said as she gestured to one of the empty chairs beside her. She added, "I would rather we speak alone, but I have the feeling you'd fight in favor of your entourage."

"You know me so well," Wade said as he sat across from Nate. The mutant messiah looked his usual stoic self, but Wade knew him well enough to know that he was under stress. And that usually only means one thing. "Did they finally cancel Golden Girls in the future?" Wade gasped, "Oh shit, not a remake."

Nate's head tilted in that way it always did when Wade was being particularly amusing. He didn't say anything, though. Just got that weird hint of a smile.

Director Hill said, "I'm going to cut to the chase here, Wade, Peter." She looked at the two of them and said, "We know about your condition, and this meeting is to decide how things should proceed in the light of you being targeted by these inter-dimensional terrorists."

"We find this motherfucking Professor and shut down the whole operation," Wade said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Ideally, yes," Director Hill said. "However, this investigation will take some time. The ones that you referred to as Henchmen Bobs have been very talkative after seeing the condition of their compatriot, but they have given no more information. They have, however, confirmed everything that your… _interrogation_ revealed."

"Do you have something to add to this?" Wade asked Nate.

Nate gestured to Director Hill and said, "I was called in to determine if this incident should be considered a crisis that will affect the entire future."

"Does it?" Peter asked, his heart suddenly pounding.

"No," Nate answered. "Not in this timeline. I can't speak for others."

"Then why are you here?" Wade asked.

Nate said, "Because I want to keep you out of trouble."

"Awww," Wade cooed. His voice was flat as he said, "I didn't know you cared."

If Peter didn't know better, he would almost swear that Cable looked a little hurt by that comment. Peter said to Director Hill, "What is the SHIELD take on this?"

"My personal take is that we should do what we need to do to keep all of our assets safe," Director Hill answered. She looked at Wade and said, "It is our belief that until such time as we can determine the location of this Professor, it would be best for you to go into protective custody."

Wade straightened and his face contorted into a scowl. "I'm not going into anyone's fucking custody."

"I'm not talking about actual detention, Wade," Director Hill said patiently. "I am suggesting we place you somewhere that you will not be recognized, that will allow you to lay low until this situation is sorted out."

Wade still looked pissed. "No. Bullshit. I am not going a damn place until we know what the fuck is going on!"

"You need to protect yourself," Nate said patiently.

"The best way to protect myself and whatever is riding along with myself is to get to the bottom of this shit, Priscilla," Wade snapped.

"If you give a shit about what's riding along, you should be listening to what Director Hill is saying," Nate responded with a tone.

Wade's eyes narrowed. "Don't you fucking presume to know what I give a shit about, Nathan."

Suddenly, Peter had a good idea of what the two of them must have been like when they were a couple. The truth is, Peter liked the idea of taking Wade away from New York City and finding somewhere to lay low, but he wasn't about to agree with Nate. At least, not in front of Nate.

Nate sighed out of his nose and said, "You are right, Wade. I don't know what you give a shit about because I have never been able to read your mind, and it is one of the things that has always frustrated me. However, I can read your _husband's_ mind, so I know at least one of you sees the wisdom in this."

Now Peter wanted to throat punch the son-of-a-bitch.

Wade looked at Peter, clearly angry.

"I'm not agreeing with _him_ ," Peter said, trying to not sound too defensive. Then to Nate, he said, "And stay out of my head, Cable."

Wade's frown deepened. He got up from the table and said, "Fuck all of you."

Peter and Nate both got up to follow him, but Kate held up her hands to stop them and said, "Let me take care of this, kids."

Once Kate was out the door, Nate grumbled, "He's always been more emotional than rational."

Peter hopped across the table and used every ounce of his spider-strength to shove Nate into the wall. Violence, Wade taught him, wasn't always the answer, but sometimes it depended on the question. If that question was, " _Has Cable poked his nose into my brain and caused a fight with my beloved_?" Peter decided that a good punch was a solid answer. He then jerked Cable upright by the shirt and said, "You don't get to have an opinion about Wade. You lost that right a long fucking time ago."

"You still agree," Nate said flatly. Peter was suddenly aware that Nate was almost a foot and a half taller than him. It still didn't matter.

"That isn't the point, you egotistical son-of-a-bitch!" Peter snapped. He let go of Nate's shirt and said, "Whether I agree or disagree with Wade, it is none of your goddamn business. Our disagreements are our private concern to be handled in private. Not in front of the Avengers, or SHIELD, and _certainly_ not in front of _you_."

Nate's jaw tensed, then he nodded once. "Fine, I was out of line."

"Fucking understatement," Peter said.

Maria Hill was about done with everyone's shit. She stood and said, "I have a list of locations for you to choose from, once all of you are finished with your testosterone induced bullshit."

"I think we're pretty much finished here," Peter said as he snatched the list from her hand.

Nate said, "Is there anything I can do that might help the situation be a little more reasonable?"

The first thing that popped into Peter's head was to tell Nate to get lost, however, he knew he would come across as jealous. And Peter certainly was not jealous of Cable, even if he was a giant with perfect hair and was more than likely the source of Wade's love of being dominated. He was also the source of a lot of Wade's insecurities. Peter hated him more than a little because of that.

Peter said, "Go get Wanda in 722."

"She doesn't like me very much," Nate said. He could see into Peter's thoughts, though, and could see Wade's need for this specific doppelganger. While Nate would not say it out loud to anyone, he cared about Wade. He never cared enough when it mattered, at least not when it would have made a difference. So he nodded and said, "Fine, I'll get her."

"Earth 722 is currently closed off due to the Ultron uprising," Director Hill said. "No portals can be opened until we receive word that it has been put under control."

"I don't need your portals," Nate said. Then in a flash of blue light, the Man out of Time disappeared.

Meanwhile, Kate followed Wade down to a large span of windows overlooking the city. He was talking to himself, seeming to have a one-sided conversation. It was all mumbled and growling, and Kate couldn't understand a word.

From a few feet away, Kate said, "Don't you hate it when people don't listen to you?"

Wade paused, going silent. He looked at her and said, "Does that happen to you a lot?"

"You are literally the only person who doesn't treat me like an Avengers lackey," Kate said as she perched on the small ledge in front of the windows. She looked down at her tennis shoes a moment, then said, "I kind of like the idea of bugging out for a while."

Wade looked at her. "Are you doing that thing where you try to make me agree with something by using yourself as an example of why I should?"

Kate gave a half smile. "Is it working?"

"Not really," Wade said as he leaned against the windows beside her. "This is all a lot to take in. I have a family here. A clearly _growing_ family, and it isn't going to be easy to uproot everyone. And I don't want to uproot everyone because of me."

"I think you underestimate how much your family really cares about you," Kate said.

Wade could feel the emotion rising in his throat.

"This isn't a case of normal circumstances, either," Kate said. "You're vulnerable and being targeted by some lunatic."

"I don't run away from lunatics," Wade said, defensive.

"No, lunatics typically run away from you," Kate said with a chuckle. Then she sobered and said, "But this is kind of special circumstances. I mean, you just told me that you were at least somewhat happy about this whole baby thing, and you can't be out doing the acrobatic sword fighting thing with a giant baby bump."

Wade squinted at her. "You are not good at comforting people, Hawkeye."

She shrugged and said, "But I'm really good at shooting people with arrows. If you do bug out, I can be your body guard."

"I think I need a doula," Wade said with a half-assed laugh.

Kate's brow scrunched. "I am unfamiliar with that word. Is that something like a second at an old timey duel? Like Hamilton?"

"More like a midwife." Wade sighed and said, "I don't like that my ex and my husband are agreeing against me."

"I don't think that's what happened in there," Kate said diplomatically. Wade wanted to argue, but she charged forward. "I think it's more like Peter wants you to be safe and that happened to line up with the control freak, and the control freak is enough of an asshole to try to pit the two of you against each other, though I think he's actually trying to be helpful, too. He's just really, really shitty about it."

"That's how the fucker always was," Wade said. "Everything was always for my own good, even when I was publicly humiliated by him."

"I must have missed that," Kate said, though she had that look like she planned to use Nate for target practice.

"You were probably still in diapers when all the bullshit went down in Providence," Wade said. Then he sighed. "I don't want to go back in there."

"Make them come to you sniveling and groveling," Kate said with a smirk.

Wade laughed at that. "This is why you're the only Hawkeye in my heart."

Kate shook her head. "Don't let Barton know you said that."

"I will draw him a map to where he can kiss my ass if Hawk-guy has a problem with that opinion," Wade said.

There was no groveling, but Peter did ask to speak to Wade alone when he finally found him and Kate. She departed for points unknown, and Peter led Wade into one of the smaller private work rooms on the floor.

"I know you weren't really siding with Nate against me," Wade said to kick things off.

Peter took Wade's hand and said, "I'm still sorry."

"Nate's an asshole," Wade said. "He shouldn't have gotten in your head."

"I want us to be safe," Peter said. "All of us."

"I know." Wade sighed and said, "I don't like this. I don't want to be sidelined here."

"Me neither," Peter said. "But I have the feeling we're not going to have much of a choice."

Wade nodded and carefully pulled Peter against him, doing his best to hug him without touching his injury. He kissed Peter just above his ear and said, "Just another crazy chapter in the life of Deadpool and Spider-Man, right?"

"Just another chapter," Peter said. He tilted his head up and kissed the corner of Wade's mouth. "I love you, Wade."

"You're just saying that because you got me knocked up," Wade chuckled.

Peter gripped his ass with his good hand and said, "Couldn't help it. You're irresistible."

"Are you going to rub my tummy and tell me I'm beautiful when I have swollen ankles and eat nothing but ice cream and pickles?" Wade asked with a cheeky grin.

Peter laughed. "Don't I do that anyway?"

Wade kissed his nose. Then he sighed. "I still wish Wanda was here."

"Oh, yeah, about that…" Peter shrugged and said, "I may have convinced Cable to bring her here."

"You talked Nate into doing something?" Wade said, clearly incredulous.

Peter nodded.

Wade laughed. "I don't know if I should be happy or worried."


	4. Chapter 4

Despite what people may believe (and if anyone knew what crazy things people believed, it was Nathan Summers), time travel and dimensional travel aren't all that different. It is all about grabbing the right frequency and using the correct settings. After uncountable ages of doing it, Nate was very good at finding the right time and place. Not only that, he was good at solving problems, such as sending out a precise self-destruct code that sent all Sentinels into a frenzy that had the entire Ultron situation handled in a matter of minutes after Cable's arrival.

"What a mess," he grumbled as he stepped over the remains of one of the Sentinels and started down the street that led to Wanda's apartment. It was a strange thing to wake up in that place, surrounded by pictures of her and his other-world counterpart. Truth be told, it seemed like this world's Deadpool and Cable managed to have a very happy life together. But Nate didn't dwell on that too much; he was on a mission.

Inside the apartment was nothing but stacks of boxes and furniture covered with plastic. Nate flipped open the lid of one marked "pictures" and saw that it was full of those formerly on-the-wall photos of Wanda and the other Nate. He picked one up and frowned at it. Had he ever been that happy with Wade? Doubtful. Hell, he didn't think he'd ever had that kind of a smile on his face.

Nate closed the box and walked further into the apartment. Clearly, Wanda was in the process of moving. The closets were emptied of clothes. The refrigerator only had two beers, a pack of processed cheese, and something that was probably once sausage but had since died a slow death on the bottom shelf. Nate grabbed a beer. Skunky, but he'd had worse.

It would be way too easy to have found Wanda sitting at home, and he knew that—given the current situation—she was more than likely with her team. So Nate sat on the plastic of the couch with a noise that would have made Wade (and probably Wanda) giggle, grabbed the remote and started flipping through channels. Every single station was reporting on the sudden destruction of the Sentinels after days of fighting.

"You're welcome," Nate grumbled as he took another sip of his beer. He kept flipping until he found one that was reporting on the activities of the Avengers. A videoclip of the Hulk throwing Thor at Ultron with lightning cascading across the sky was on loop in the background, and the ticker below announced that the Avengers were currently en route back to New York City.

He shouldn't have been surprised when he felt the cold blade of Wanda's katana against his neck. Of course the reporting would be a few hours behind the actual movements of the team.

Nate slowly turned his head, eyes trailing up the blade to Wanda's masked face. The mask itself had a couple burned patches, and it was obvious she'd been stabbed in the head at some point. Her arm was riddled with burn marks and gouges.

"Enjoying yourself, Priscilla?" she asked.

"Making myself at home," he answered.

She snorted a laugh, but Nate had the feeling she didn't really find it funny. Wanda whipped the mask off, removing it by tugging at the fake pony tail. Without mask and hair, she was Wade in every way except for the noticeable difference in how they filled out a top. They even had the same voice. He knew that everyone had their counterpart, but for him it was somehow different when it came to the ones that look like Wade.

Wanda took the beer from him and after a drink and a grimace, she belched and asked, "Why are you in my living room, 616?

"I'm here on a mission," he answered, watching as she flopped down on the opposite end of the couch. She even landed with the same almost spread eagle way that Wade did. It annoyed the piss out of Nate.

Wanda gestured towards the TV with the beer and said, "Let me guess, you have something to do with the robots going boom?"

"What would make you think that?" he asked flatly.

Wanda rolled her eyes. It was annoying as fuck how much Nate 616 was like her Nate with his dry humor and stupid techno-organic muscles. She wanted to slap him. Actually, between Bob flaking out on her and Tony Stark trying to save the world via genocide, Wanda was more in the mood to see if Nate 616 had TK mesh where it mattered.

Instead she asked, "Why the fuck are you in my apartment, Nathaniel?"

Nate gave her a long suffering look upon hearing the name, then said, "Wade needs to see you about…" He frowned, debating how much he should tell. He settled on, "About a personal matter."

"And he sent you?" Wanda said, obviously amused at the idea. "What the hell? Why not come here himself?" Then she paused and asked with near panic in her voice, "Did something happen to Peter?"

"He's unable to travel right now, and no, Peter is just fine." Nate wouldn't say it out loud, but he was pretty sure Peter put one of his ribs out of place with that shove. Little bastard has some strength. He said, "Look, it isn't my place to say anything as was clearly pointed out before I came here on this errand. Are you coming with me or not?"

"I guess that depends on if you rub me the right way," Wanda said with an eyebrow waggle.

Nate sighed sharply out his nose.

"Of course I'm going," Wanda said. "I haven't seen my brother from another…uh…whatever for a few months. And this has all the makings of another bout of good time shenanigans, so why the fuck not?"

"What about Bob?" Nate said.

"It's a decent Bill Murray movie, but not his best," Wanda answered.

At some point, Nate was going to figure out how to talk to the many incarnations of Deadpool and successfully avoid the pitfalls of casual conversation that lead to pointless puns and jokes that go outside his range of knowledge. He said, "The hydra agent. Where is he?"

"Former Hydra agent," she corrected. "Probably in a bunker somewhere. I told him to hide if the Sentinels showed up."

"I would like to speak with him," Nate said.

Wanda's brow scrunched. "Why?"

"Because he may be important to an investigation," Nate answered.

"Okay…" Wanda sat her beer on the table and turned towards Nate. "I think you need to do some explainin' here, Cable. Why would Bob matter to an investigation?"

Nate sighed, and said, "It seems that a few of Bob's other universe counterparts have teamed up in an effort to capture a few select versions of Wade. I would like to know if Bob has had any contact with these other Bobs." Nate frowned. "What is Bob's full name, anyway?"

Wanda raised an eyebrow as if she never thought to inquire about it in the last three years. She shrugged and said, "It never came up, really. Maybe Smith?"

Nothing about this surprised Nate. He said, "Where would he hide?"

"As I said, probably in a bunker," Wanda said with a shrug. "We have been arguing lately. I was going to take him back to 616 when the portals were all sealed." She paused with her beer halfway to her mouth and looked at Nate. "How the hell did you get here anyway?"

"I don't rely on anyone else for transportation."

Wanda made a jerk-off motion with her hand. "Go you."

He stood and said, "We need to find Bob and get back to 616."

"I need to take a shower," Wanda said, not moving from her spot. "I've been sweating my balls off for the last couple weeks, and on top of it all, I'm pretty sure I ate some bad tacos because I could probably shit through a screen door from the diarrhea."

That was simultaneously an overshare and vaguely familiar. Nate snatched the beer out of her hand and asked, "Are you sure it was just bad tacos or perhaps something else?"

"What the hell else could it be? And give that back!" she said as she swiped at the beer that Nate was holding out of her reach. "I ate bad tacos, I got the shits. It happens, Nathan. Now give me my beer before I climb up you and snap your thick fucking neck."

Nate's left eye started to glow brighter as he did his best to scan Wanda's body, looking for any sign that she, too, was pregnant. He wasn't picking up anything, but he learned a long time that the Deadpools of the universe were extremely difficult for him to read.

Seeing the look on his face, Wanda stopped bouncing and asked, "What the hell is going on, Cable? What is this visit really about?"

"I am only here to retrieve you," Nate answered. He was not very convincing.

Wanda said, "No. Bullshit. The look you're giving me is the kind that my Nate would give me when he was trying to figure something out and didn't want to actually say the wrong thing because god forbid you nitwits be wrong. Answer the fucking question."

"Because you might be pregnant," Nate finally gritted out.

Wanda's lip curled and her right eye squinted. She shook her head, building up a good amount of what-the-fuck in her throat before asking, "Are you fucking serious, Cable? Why in the name of Odin's asshole would you think I'm—" Then her jaw dropped and she gasped, "Holy fuckstick! Wade's pregnant, isn't he!?"

Nate frowned harder.

Wanda was still gaping at him. Then she hopped once more while Nate was distracted by his own lack of ability to be sneaky, secured her beer, drank it down in one long gulp, belched, and said, "Oh, yeah, you're taking me to Wade right-fucking-now. And! I'm not pregnant, asshole. I'm on the rag, not on the nest."

That information was a relief. Nate decided that the thought of two pregnant Deadpools at the same time sounded like a 9-month long migraine. It absolutely had nothing to do with the fact he considered Bob to be unsuitable as a partner for Wanda for reasons that he had yet to pin down. Peter Parker, Nate could respect. He was smart and strong. He cared. Bob… Bob joined a terrorist organization for a dental plan. The fact that he'd put that much thought into who would be best for his ex and his ex's pseudo-sister was almost troubling. Nate was certain it was just about the migraine potential.

Nate pondered all of this while Wanda was in the shower belting out some showtune. He was reminded of a time on Providence after he and Wade spent the morning sparring. Wade was the best sparring partner he ever had because he never backed down. It wasn't just his healing factor, either. It was just his way. That day was a rare day that Nate had no meetings or other things to attend to, so he told Wade to just shower in his apartment.

As per usual, Wade was singing in the shower. It wasn't a show tune. For some ungodly reason, he opted to sing the song, "Hallelujah" in the style of Leonard Cohen, which was strangely suited to Wade's rough Demi Moore voice. The next thing Nate knew, he was standing outside the door with the strangest impulse to go into the shower with him. He had this idea in his head of pressing Wade against the wall and fucking him until he couldn't speak.

He didn't do it. Not that day, at least. Everything had to be planned and orchestrated, and in the end, Nate only alienated, embarrassed, and cast Wade aside. It was all for their own good, both of them. It must have been, right? Wade was happy with Peter Parker. He was more or less the superhero he always tried to be. And Nate… Nate couldn't recall the last time he felt truly happy, if there ever was such a time.

Suddenly, Nate was aware that he was standing at the end of the hallway, looking through the thin crack in the door where steam billowed through the yellow light. Now and then, he could see a bit of Wanda's reflection, a flash of skin here and there. Skin that was so familiar, yet so different. He shook his head and walked back to the couch to finish off his beer. By the time Wanda immerged in clean clothes with her boots dangling from her fingers, Nate managed to stop feeling like a peeping Tom and was ready to go find Bob.

Finding Bob was relatively easy, though it did involve moving a lot of debris. Nate almost strained his TK, or at least he raised a sweat for a couple of minutes. The bunker was packed with people, and Nate was surprised to see that Bob had become their de facto leader. He and someone who looked shockingly like Phil Coulson greeted Nate and Wanda.

Bob's greeting was quite enthusiastic. He hopped into Wanda's arms with his legs wrapped around her waist and kissed her like he thought he would never see her again. Nate felt…uncomfortable. Not just because of Wanda and Bob's very public display of affection, but also because of the way some of the people in the room were looking at him. They were all seeing him as this world's Nathan Summers, and a couple of them looked as if they were about to drop to their knees and pledge fealty.

So Nate did the best thing he could do in that situation, and scrambled their perception so that he was just someone who looked vaguely like someone who was one of their world's heroes. And damn if he wasn't a true hero in this world in every possible way. Sacrifice and more sacrifice. In one man's mind, he saw that there was a holiday dedicated to him. It was strangely humbling because Nate knew, deep down, that their world's Cable was a much better man than he could ever dream of being.

There was a lot to do before Wanda could leave. She needed to talk to her team and give instructions to her handler to take care of the storage and relocation of her property before the apartment was sold.

While Wanda was on the phone explaining why she had no intention to stick around for the cleanup due to a family emergency, Bob and Nate stood in the living room, not saying much to each other.

"Where are you moving?" Nate finally asked. He wasn't really interested in the answer; he was tired of the silence.

Bob said, "Across town. Or at least that's where Wanda wanted to move."

There was a story there. Nate didn't care. He still asked, "You didn't?"

"I'm ready to go home," Bob answered. He glanced up at Nate, and Nate could see the jealousy in his eyes and the unspoken _I asked her to come back to my world, but she said no. But she didn't say no to you. I will always be second to you, no matter what incarnation. She says your name in her sleep, but it isn't you she cries over, but it is you, and here you are again. Fuck you, Cable._

"Wade would have rather been here, but circumstances did not allow it," Nate said in an effort to shift Bob's thoughts. Nate had no interest in Wanda. At least, he didn't think he did. Not really.

 _Wade was hurt by you. Wade hurt himself because of you. You are not a friend. You were never a friend._ Bob said, "I'll be happy to see everyone again. It's been too long."

Nate hated conversations with people. He hated that they always said something opposite to what they were really thinking, especially when they were thinking about him. More than once, he wondered what went through Wade's head when they would argue. Even worse, he wondered what he was thinking when he would stop talking completely and avoid him. Nate decided it would be best to ask the questions he needed to ask; Bob already thought he was an asshole, so it wouldn't make a difference.

"Have you received any correspondence from someone called The Professor?" Nate asked.

 _It's none of your business who I talk to_. Bob answered, "No, I haven't."

"What about any interactions with your counterpart in this world?" Nate asked.

"No," Bob answered. Nate could see images of a database and the name Robert Jones listed as deceased, a casualty of some skirmish in the Middle East. _Lonely. Lonely. Lonely. Even with her, I am alone. I try to understand it, I try. But she will always love someone else. I will always be second place. I miss her and she's in the same room._

Nate sighed. Despite already being told recently that he needed to mind his own business, he said, "You should tell her how you feel."

 _He's reading my mind!_ Bob frowned and said, "You should mind your own business."

Nate really hated talking to people.


End file.
